


Settled (With Questions)

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [11]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Conversations, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Steve has some stuff to sort out, fumbling toward something or other, happy anniversary to my own fic verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 12:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: So Loki's finally agreed to stop running. But this is Steve's life: solve one problem and end up with a whole bunch more.Or, five times Steve wasn't sure this would work out, and one time he thought it might.(Takes place between "with an untrained voice" and "reflected in someone like me".)





	Settled (With Questions)

**Author's Note:**

> Five years ago today I posted "I heard you killed your only friends last year" twelve days after seeing the Avengers movie for the first time, and a monster was born. _Five fucking years._
> 
> I've been writing this verse ever since, despite all my claims that I was going to stop at one fic, and then two, and then six. I just now edited the notes for this series that claimed that the first six installments were the "canonical" ones. Heh. 
> 
> I figured I should mark this anniversary somehow, and decided I'd do it by going back in time to earlier days, because it's fun to look back and see how far these guys have come. All my love and thanks to everyone who has supported and encouraged me on this wild ride. I've made some wonderful friends in part through this pairing and this series, and found a truly delightful corner of fandom to love. My immense gratitude goes out to my long-suffering beta [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Here's to (probably) another five years.

**I.**

Clint was the first to break the silence. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No,” Steve said. “I’m not.” His thoughts drifted upstairs. _I’ll wait,_ Loki had said, but how long before he started getting antsy, nervous? But...if this was going to work Steve had to trust him, at least a little.

“I gotta admit, I did not see this coming,” Tony said. Clint was shaking his head.

“Jesus, Steve…”

“We went over this once,” Steve said defensively. “You agreed then that Loki could stay here. Remember?”

“And that worked out so well,” Tony murmured. “He bolted the first chance he got.” Natasha’s eyebrows were furrowed, her expression set in a frown. Thor kept glancing toward the door like he wanted to run upstairs himself.

“Despite those gadgets that were supposed to _prevent_ that,” Clint said, and Tony glared at him.

“I’d like to see you do better.”

“He panicked,” Steve said. “Doom showed up and he assumed we’d hand him over. Of course he ran for it. He didn’t attack anyone, and he came back-”

“Like the proverbial cat,” Tony said. Natasha stirred.

“Steve,” she said, “Tony has a point. What makes this time different? Loki’s proven we can’t control his movements. He’s unpredictable at best. Erratic. Even _if_ you’re right and he’s here in good faith - and that’s a big if - what’s to keep him from attacking one of us next time he ‘panics’?”

_You don’t understand,_ Steve wanted to object. “Nothing’s changed from before except that, like you said, we can’t use technology to lock him down. But if we set terms-”

“You think he’ll abide by them?” Clint interrupted. “This is _Loki_ we’re talking about.”

“I _know_ who he is,” Steve said, and managed to bite back _better than you do._ “But he needs somewhere to go, and he knows it. Everything else aside - this is the safest place for Loki to be, right now.”

“Steve’s right,” Bruce said quietly. “Nothing’s really changed since we made this decision before. It’s probably _better_ if Loki’s here by choice rather than trying to keep him locked up by force.”

“That’s not it,” Natasha said, propping her chin on her hands. “If we don’t have any control over Loki then we don’t have any guarantee we can stop him if he turns on us.”

“We didn’t have any guarantee anyway,” Bruce pointed out.

“He’s not going to,” Steve said. Natasha raised her eyebrows.

“How can you be so sure?”

_I would not ask you to believe less, Steve Rogers._

“Have a little faith in my judgment,” he said. Thor stirred.

“I trust Steve’s word.”

“You would,” Clint said bitterly. “It fits with what _you_ want.”

“I hate this,” Tony said, “but I guess I can go with it. As long as I don’t have to feed and walk him.” Clint stood up and walked out without another word. Steve looked at Natasha, but she didn’t offer any reassurance. _It’ll be fine,_ Steve told himself. _It’ll…things will sort themselves out._

He’d have to...find a way to talk to Clint. Somehow. Though he didn’t have the first idea of what he’d say.

 

**II.**

Steve didn’t quite know what to expect from his first visit to Loki’s rooms on the eleventh floor.

He’d given him a few days to settle in before approaching, figuring Loki might want a little space to get used to the new accommodations. He’d had to resist the temptation, a couple times, to ask JARVIS what Loki was up to, how he was doing.

Loki deserved some privacy.

He was nervous when he knocked, trying not to fidget. “Yes?” He heard through the door, and some part of Steve that had feared Loki might have, somehow, slipped away again - relaxed.

“It’s me,” Steve said, and then realizing that he didn’t know if Loki would recognize his voice, added, “Steve.”

“Just a moment,” Loki said, and Steve stood with his hands in his pockets, looking up and down the hallway.

The door opened and Steve looked quickly at Loki, starting to smile. It faltered a little, seeing the look on Loki’s face - a faint smile, true, but Steve knew what Loki’s real smiles looked like and this wasn’t it. There was something...shuttered, about his face.

“Hey,” Steve said. “Can I come in? I wanted to...see how you were doing.”

“By all means,” Loki said, stepping back. “I am well, thank you. The accommodations are perfectly adequate.”

_Adequate._ Steve tried not to wince. “If there’s anything you need…anything that’d make you feel more at home…”

“No, thank you,” Loki said. He turned back into the apartment. “Would you like anything? Water, wine, tea…”

“I’ll...have some water, thanks.” Steve looked around the apartment. It looked...very plain. Impersonal, to his eye. It was still new, of course, but he couldn’t see a single touch that was _Loki,_ except maybe the books on the shelves - but those might’ve been there already, for all he knew, chosen for decoration. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything? Books, or a rug…”

“Why, Captain,” Loki said. “So solicitous.” There, Steve thought, turning in some surprise, that sounded more like himself, but when he turned Loki’s smile was...polite. Cordial.

Distant.

Steve floundered. He hadn’t expected everything to just...fall into place. Or at least, he knew he _shouldn’t_ have expected. But this was...he’d felt like he’d started to get to know Loki, like Loki had started to let Steve see past the surface, but now the walls were back and Loki was acting like Steve was...a stranger.

“Did something happen?” He blurted out. Loki’s eyebrows quirked.

“Pardon?”

“You seem…” Steve hesitated, trying to choose his words carefully. “Different,” he decided. Loki’s eyebrows rose further.

“Different from what?”

Steve could feel himself starting to flush. What was going on here? He felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under him, and he was left scrambling for purchase on air. “Did someone...talk to you?” He asked, suddenly wondering if Natasha or Tony or Clint had intervened, somehow, _told_ Loki to keep his distance from Steve.

“No one has approached me before you, just now,” Loki said, still with those faintly quirked eyebrows and cool reserve. Steve _knew_ he was being shut out and he could feel his frustration mounting. He remembered - _vividly_ \- how fiercely Loki had kissed him, his hands on Steve’s body, the sheer _intensity_ of the entire thing.

Was _that_ it? He was - embarrassed, or regretted it, or just wasn’t interested anymore? That might explain this sudden chill.

“And you’re sure you’re...comfortable?”

“I am.” Loki cocked his head a fraction to the side. “You seem...out of sorts.”

I _seem_ , Steve wanted to exclaim. _What’s the matter with_ you? But he knew how well that would go over, and he didn’t want to start an argument, even if he was starting to feel a little crazy. “I’m all right,” he said. “Just...wanted to make sure you were settling in, that there wasn’t anything I could help with.”

Loki half smiled, and again for a moment Steve caught just a glimpse of the Loki he’d gotten to know. “That is quite thoughtful of you, Captain.”

He cleared his throat. “You know you can call me Steve. ‘Captain’ sounds so...impersonal.” Except he remembered Loki saying _my Captain_ and the way it had made a strange little frisson run through him.

“I know it. Steve.” Loki’s eyebrows drew very slightly together, and Steve wondered suddenly if Loki wasn’t just as off balance as he was. Just as uncertain of what might have changed. Maybe he was feeling caged, even in these nice rooms. He opened his mouth, trying to think of something he could offer that would be reassuring, that would...clarify things.

“I know it’s not what you’re used to,” Steve said, “but it’ll get easier.”

Loki’s face closed off again, smile bland and dishonest. “Everything does,” he said, and Steve felt himself slump.

 

**III.**

Steve found Thor standing outside Loki’s rooms, staring at the closed door with a distinctly forlorn expression on his face.

“Thor?” Steve said carefully. He started, looking up guiltily.

“Steve,” Thor said. “My friend. Are you here to see Loki?”

“I was,” Steve said, “but...are you all right?”

“Yes,” Thor said, and when Steve raised his eyebrows, sighed and added, “mostly.” He looked down at his right hand. “My fingers are a little burnt, but I should have expected that.”

“Your fingers are what?” Steve said, eyes widening, and Thor gave him another guilty look like he wished he hadn’t said anything.

“I tried to open the door,” Thor said, nodding at it. “I should have expected that it would be...bespelled. He would do the same thing to his rooms on Asgard, when he did not wish to be disturbed.”

“Let me see,” Steve said. Thor hesitated, then after a moment extended his hand. The burns were not serious, but what made Steve flinch was that they were not random, either. Like a brand on the back of Thor’s hand were raised red letters reading NO, THOR.

Steve swallowed hard. “This isn’t okay. I’ll talk to Loki-”

“No,” Thor said at once. “No, do not. I should not have attempted...if Loki does not wish to speak with me, I must respect that.”

“Yes,” Steve said, “but that doesn’t mean he can make it so _touching the door - hurts_ you.”

Thor pulled his hand away. “I told you. He did this before. It is not serious, and I will heal quickly.”

“Even so!” Steve said. He could feel anger welling up, that Loki would do this, to Thor, Thor who had _always_ been his strongest defender. It was so - deliberate. Not even a general lock for the sake of privacy - this was targeted, specifically at Thor. “It’s still not okay.”

Thor looked away. “Do not be angry with Loki on my behalf, Steve.”

“Why not?”

“Because-” Thor blew out a breath. “Because I fear if you seem to...take my side, that he will push you away as well. I would rather Loki turn me away but have you than leave him alone entirely.”

Steve opened his mouth to argue, then closed it. He knew Thor was right. It was unfair, but he was right: Loki _would_ push him away, even more than he already was. And he _was_ , walling himself off all over again, only now instead of hostility and cruelty it was manners and formality.

Steve looked down. “Seems like I might as well try to help you.”

Thor shook his head. “No, Steve,” he said. “What is between me and Loki...I do not think you can help.” He sounded so tired. So _resigned._

“I don’t know that he isn’t already distancing himself from me,” Steve said quietly. Thor gave him a sharp, almost stricken look.

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Steve said. “Things have...changed. He acts like a stranger now. I don’t know…”

“It is difficult,” Thor said after a moment. “A change for us all. Perhaps it will just take some time for Loki to adjust.” He sounded like he was trying to make himself believe it.

“I hope so,” Steve said. His stomach felt tight.

_And if he doesn’t? What then?_

 

**IV.**

Steve groaned as he leaned against the side of the elevator, wincing at the twinge in his ribs. He felt like nine miles of bad road, but it was Thursday, and Thursday was the day he _always_ visited Loki. He hadn’t managed to make it any other day this hectic, nightmare week, and Loki’s near total isolation _other_ than Steve...did worry him.

So even if it was late, even if he wanted to just drop into bed and sleep for three days, he figured he should at least stop by. Things seemed to have been...getting better. Loki was maybe a little less guarded. They’d played chess - Loki had lost the first game but then beaten Steve twice, so he wasn’t sure Loki hadn’t thrown it in the first place. It was...good. Ordinary.

Pushing himself up, Steve stepped out of the elevator and walked down to Loki’s door. He knocked, and waited.

Loki didn’t ask who it was. He just opened the door, and Steve felt his stomach sink at the look on his face: tight lines around his nose and mouth, eyes dark and dangerous.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “It’s been...a crazy week.”

“You hardly needed to drag yourself up here to make excuses,” Loki said. The words were a little too smooth and Steve felt his shoulders tense.

“I wanted to see you,” he said. “Check in.”

“And now you have,” Loki said flatly. “As you can see, little has changed. I haven’t run off, if that is what you were expecting.”

Steve stared at Loki. “You’re upset,” he said slowly. “I get it.”

“I am not upset,” Loki said. He turned and stalked away into the apartment. Steve stepped inside and closed the door slowly.

“You seem upset.”

Loki’s shoulders twitched. “I am not. So you needn’t let your conscience be troubled.”

Steve felt a prickle of frustration. “I can _tell_ something’s wrong, you know.”

Loki was quiet for a long moment before he turned. Something had changed in his face and Steve’s skin prickled with unease. “Why are you here?” He asked. Steve felt himself shift, planting his feet.

“I told you. I’m checking in.”

“Of course. You wouldn’t want me unattended for too long. Who knows what I might do.” Loki’s smile was cruel, nasty.

“Stop it,” Steve said sharply. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” Loki said, taking a prowling step toward him.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do-”

Loki’s eyes half closed. “Don’t you? Your body language says otherwise. You expect me to attack you.”

Steve shook his head sharply. “If this is just because you’re _angry_ that I’ve been too busy to visit-”

Loki’s teeth flashed. “Why should I be angry? I neither want nor need your _supervision._ ”

“That’s not what it is and you know it,” Steve said. Loki’s eyes flared.

“No,” he said, silkiness vanishing, replaced by vibrating anger. “You are right. If it were _duty_ you would not be so _lackluster._ ”

“Lackluster?” Steve said, stung. “I thought-” Loki laughed sharply.

“Do not _lie,_ Captain. You come to placate _me._ Not out of fear; that might be better. I am a pet you must cozen - when you have the time, of course-”

“I have other things to do than talk to you!” Steve snapped. “I can’t spend all my time here-”

“ _I_ have to!” Loki said, his voice rising. “But no, of course not. You have your other duties to see to, _better_ things to do. Your people to save. Running about playing the hero-”

“You agreed to stay here,” Steve interrupted.

Loki laughed, high and sharp. “Of course! You remind me of that. As though I need reminding of your _gracious magnanimity,_ your generous offer of mercy!”

“I _wanted_ you to stay!” Steve said. “I _asked_ you to.”

Loki sneered. “Regretting that now?”

“Not yet,” Steve said, knowing it was harsh but too mad to stop himself. “If you’re lonely just _say_ so but don’t - take it out on me by picking a fight!” He threw up his hands. “I’m tired. I need to sleep, I can’t _deal_ with this right now.”

He walked out. Half expecting Loki to say something, try to get in the last word, but astonishingly he did not.

 

**V.**

“So,” Natasha said, sitting down across from him. “Loki.”

Steve didn’t look up. He supposed he should’ve expected this - expected that _Natasha_ specifically would want to talk about it. He should probably just be surprised that it’d taken this long. He wished she hadn’t chosen now, though, when he still felt bruised from his last, nearly disastrous conversation with Loki.

“What about him?” He said, picking at his plate.

“Checking in, for one,” she said. “I mean, the Tower hasn’t exploded yet, but I figure that doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is peachy keen.”

“It’s fine,” Steve said. Not quite true, but he hoped it was true enough that the lie wouldn’t show.

“Is it?” Natasha drummed her fingers on the table. “Humor me, Steve. Can you talk me through what you’re thinking?”

“What do you mean, what I’m thinking?”

“I thought it was pretty self explanatory.” Natasha met his eyes. “You argued for having Loki here. What were you thinking? I’m not asking in an accusatory way. Really wondering.”

Steve still felt himself tensing and tried to keep his voice level. “I’ve explained this before. Loki’s in danger. He’s come here to be safe before, and in between he’s...talked to me.” He set down his fork and met Natasha’s eyes. “He wants to do better. Wants to _be_ better.”

Natasha cocked her head to the side. “Did he say that?”

No. He’d mocked Steve every time he’d brought up the question of redemption, of rehabilitation. He’d constantly insisted that he could only be evil, that there wasn’t any other choice. But what he _did…_

“He didn’t,” Natasha said, sitting back. “He’s never actually _told_ you that. That’s what you’re telling yourself.”

Steve stiffened. “I’m not - deluding myself, Nat. I’ve talked with him about it. A lot. And - and look at what he’s _done,_ lately. Nothing, since I helped him the first time. He hasn’t attacked us, hasn’t caused any trouble. And what he _has_ done - he saved _my_ life.”

“Having one person they care about doesn’t mean someone’s good,” Natasha said.

“Everyone starts somewhere.” And if that was pointed, a little… “All of you - if there’s one thing I’ve started to get about Loki it’s that at least half the time you see what he wants you to see, and what he wants you to see is based on what you’re expecting. So if you’re looking for a villain that’s what he does. You know when he started changing, acting different? When I gave him just an _inch_ of a benefit of the doubt.” He leaned forward. “Would _you_ have changed if Clint hadn’t given you a chance?”

Natasha’s nostrils flared, her lips tightening.

“I’m not saying you’re the same,” Steve added quickly. “I’m just saying...Loki lies. Rather than looking at what he _says,_ sometimes it makes more sense to look at what he _does._ ”

Natasha’s expression relaxed, but not happily. It just looked like she was deliberately expressionless. “And what happens if you’re wrong?” She asked. “Or if Loki slips back into old habits? What are you going to do then?”

Steve’s jaw worked. “Then we stop him.”

“Could you?” Natasha pressed. “If it came down to it, and Loki had to die?”

Steve felt briefly ill. He tried to imagine it. “Then...then we do what we have to do.”

“I’m not talking about _we._ I’m talking about _you._ ” Natasha’s eyes were hard. “Loki’s dangerous, Steve. You know that - I know you do. If you saw something coming, would you be able - would you be _willing_ \- to move before a lot of people died?”

Steve shook his head. “I’m not going to kill someone for something they _might_ do.”

Natasha exhaled and sat back. She nodded, and Steve had the feeling he’d just been tested, but he didn’t know if he’d passed or failed. He didn’t like the feeling. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Fine.”

“What do you feel about him?”

The question took him off guard. He twitched, opening his mouth and then closing it. _I don’t know,_ he could say, and it’d be honest, but he remembered Natasha asking if he’d had sex with Loki, saying _but you want to._

_He’s a friend,_ Steve could say, but _was_ he? After their last conversation Steve had to wonder.

“I...like him,” Steve said, slowly. “He’s...good company. Or he can be, anyway. He’s smart. Perceptive.” He laughed, a little awkwardly. “Maybe I like that he’s not impressed by _Captain America,_ at least not like a lot of people are. When he’s not...pretending, when he actually relaxes enough to just _be…_ ”

He trailed off. He could feel Natasha’s gaze, probing, weighing. After a long moment, she nodded. “I think he does care about you,” she said. “Clint disagrees. He thinks Loki’s using you. But I think, in some fashion, Loki’s gotten attached to you.” She stood up.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Steve asked.

“Maybe,” Natasha said. “Maybe it’s enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. Or maybe it just means that nothing else matters to him and he’d burn it all down without you telling him no.”

Steve didn’t pick up his fork after she left. _What if she’s right?_ Nagging doubts at the back of his mind.

_You could be making a terrible mistake. And you wouldn’t be the one paying for it._

No, Steve thought fiercely. He had to believe that wasn’t the case. Loki _was_ different. Maybe he was the only one who saw it now, but that would change. It had to.

 

**One.**

Steve stood outside Loki’s door without knocking for a long interval. His conversation with Natasha still echoed in his head, and the argument with Loki.

He rubbed his mouth and knocked.

“Thor, if that is you,” said Loki, sounding weary.

“It’s me,” Steve said. This time he didn’t say his name.

There was a long pause before he heard the door unlock and it opened. Steve looked at Loki’s face and winced a little. He looked as exhausted as he’d sounded, the corners of his lips pulled down.

“Steve,” he said, voice neutral but not flat.

“Hi,” he said awkwardly. Loki glanced aside.

“What is it?” His arm was still braced on the doorframe, keeping Steve out. His stomach clenched unhappily. He couldn’t tell if this was worse or better than the cold, polite distance.

“Can I come in?”

Loki stepped back without answering, and after a moment Steve walked past him into the apartment. It looked much the same, and Steve wondered what he’d expected. Shattered glass? Broken furniture?

“Was there something you wished to discuss?” Loki was still standing by the door, his bearing tense but not hostile. Nervous, Steve realized.

“Not particularly,” he said slowly. “Was there something...you wanted to?”

Loki’s jaw shifted in a way that suggested he was biting the inside of his cheek. “I owe you an apology,” he said, not looking directly at Steve but rather past him, at the windows. “I was...churlish. You did not deserve it.”

“Thank you,” Steve said after a moment. “I...appreciate it.”

Loki nodded, then padded over to the couch and sat down. Steve studied the back of his head.

“I could’ve sent a message,” he said. “Letting you know what was up. I know you’re...isolated, up here. And if there’s anything I can do about that…”

The corner of Loki’s mouth twitched up, though without much humor. “I can tell you. I know.”

Steve walked over slowly and sat down next to him. “I do know it’s not easy,” he said. “That this...isn’t your ideal.”

“You were right,” Loki said. “I agreed to be here.” He paused, and then glanced at Steve sidelong. “I need to remember the reasons that choice was worthwhile.”

Steve felt his face warming, and laughed a little awkwardly. “You’re talking about the view, right?”

Loki smiled crookedly and laughed. Barely, but it was still a laugh. That felt like a good thing.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Steve blurted out, and then winced, expecting mockery. Something shifted in Loki’s face, though, softening around his eyes. His smile was crooked but Steve thought he was pleased.

“I have not overstayed my welcome yet?”

“No,” Steve said. He wanted to take Loki’s hand and squeeze it, but left both his hands at his sides. “No, definitely not.”

Loki laughed, soft and strange. His fingers brushed Steve’s face and for a second - just a second - Steve thought Loki might kiss him.

The moment passed and Loki’s fingers fell away, but the crooked smile remained. “Thank you,” he said.

“For what?” Steve asked, suppressing the faint disappointment. Maybe he should’ve moved first.

“Why, for visiting, of course,” Loki said, though Steve had the odd feeling he’d meant something else. “My days would be hideously dull without the pleasure of your company to look forward to.”

Steve ducked his head, his face getting warm. “And now I can even come to _you,_ instead of you…”

“Turning up in your bedroom in the middle of the night?” Loki said, eyebrows quirking. “Perhaps I should. For old time’s sake.”

Steve laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, well…”

“Go on,” Loki said, waving a hand. “No doubt your duties await. I should not keep you.”

“I can come back tomorrow, if you want,” Steve said. “I can’t cook very well but I can order in some Chinese takeout. Vital part of the New York experience now, apparently.”

“In that case,” Loki said. That slight softness still lingered around his eyes. It stripped something from him, some of that air of...constant, guarded tension, like he was always braced for someone to hit him. Steve hadn’t even realized that was what it was until he saw it gone, and felt a pang.

“I’ll be here,” he said, nodding as he stepped toward the door. “Loki...have a nice night.”

“And you, Captain,” Loki said. Out in the hallway, Steve shut the door quietly behind him.

He stood still for several seconds. Loki had seemed...better. More like the man Steve had started to get to know.

If they could keep moving forward from here…

It’d take time. _I’ll wait,_ Loki had said, and at the time Steve had thought he’d just meant _I’ll stay._ He wondered now if he’d meant something else, too.

For a moment, he considered going back and doing it. Kissing Loki again - not the frantic, hungry kind or the almost chaste promise, but a _proper_ kiss.

No, he thought. Not yet. Not until he was sure Loki was settled, was comfortable, was sure. Not until _Steve_ was sure.

He had always been willing to wait for the right partner. He could wait again.


End file.
